Setting Amazing Boundaries

"I think back on how hard it was to say 'no' before. I feel for the person I was. If I could go back in time, I would tell her, 'It's okay. Anyone who can't respect you shouldn't be in your world.'"

I have taught boundary setting one-on-one and in classes for over twenty years. It's one of the hardest things for people who were raised to be "good" or easy-going.

For some, it's about learning how to phrase a boundary. They've mistakenly been led to believe that complaining, explaining, or nagging is how to get their needs met. Or worse, like me, they learned that NOT saying anything was their best chance of getting their needs met (this happens to those of us who have over-burdened parents).

What we really need is a shift in power - first internally, then in relationships. We need to learn that owning our power does not make us mean, difficult, bad, or wrong. It just makes us strong. Some people won't like that. And that's okay. It's not our job to make others happy.

Then we need to communicate our boundaries without explaining or justifying, shaming or blaming, in the simplest way possible.

And finally, we need to let others feel whatever they feel. It's normal for people to be disappointed when they hear, "No." And you can learn to tolerate disappointment from others without taking it personally.

Setting boundaries is how you create safety for yourself. When you say no without guilt or justification, you're telling yourself: "I matter. My needs matter. I'm worth protecting." You're learning to become your own advocate and protector.

My job is to help you learn how to do just that. We might explore how you came to believe it wasn't right or safe to disappoint others. We might brainstorm and rehearse what you really want to say. We will definitely celebrate all the steps you take as you step into your strength and power, maybe trusting yourself and feeling like your true adult self for the first time.

I would love to support you in discovering that strength.